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Funeral Etiquette: Your Comprehensive Guide to Viewings, Visitations & Services

Funeral Etiquette: Your Comprehensive Guide to Viewings, Visitations & Services

Navigating the customs surrounding a funeral, viewing, or visitation can feel overwhelming, especially when you're also coping with grief. Understanding proper funeral etiquette ensures you can offer respectful support to grieving families and honor the deceased appropriately. This comprehensive guide provides clear, actionable advice on what to expect and how to conduct yourself during these solemn occasions.

Understanding Funeral Services: Viewing, Visitation, and More

Before diving into specific etiquette, it's helpful to understand the different types of gatherings held to honor a life. Each serves a unique purpose in the grieving process.

What is a Visitation or Calling Hours?

A visitation (often called "calling hours" or "wake") is typically an informal gathering held prior to the funeral service. It provides an opportunity for friends, family, and acquaintances to offer condolences to the bereaved family, share memories of the deceased, and pay their respects. The body may or may not be present, depending on the family's wishes and the type of service chosen. It's generally a less formal atmosphere where people come and go.

What is a Viewing?

A viewing specifically implies that the deceased's body is present, usually in an open casket. This allows attendees a chance to see the person one last time and say a final goodbye. Viewings are often part of a visitation, but the emphasis is on the presence of the casket.

Understanding the Funeral Service

The funeral service is a more formal ceremony, often led by a religious leader or officiant. It focuses on memorializing the deceased and providing a structured opportunity for grieving and remembrance. The casket may or may not be present, and it usually involves eulogies, readings, prayers, and sometimes music.

The Committal Service (Graveside)

Following the funeral service, a committal service is held at the burial site. This is typically a shorter, more intimate ceremony where the deceased's body or cremated remains are laid to rest. Attendance is often limited to immediate family and close friends.

Memorial Services and Celebrations of Life

A memorial service is similar to a funeral service but is held without the deceased's body present. It can take place days, weeks, or even months after the death. A "celebration of life" often emphasizes the positive aspects of the deceased's life, with a more uplifting and less formal tone, sometimes including music, stories, and personal tributes.

Essential Etiquette for Funeral Attendees

Your presence is a powerful show of support. Adhering to these general etiquette guidelines demonstrates respect for the deceased and their grieving loved ones.

Dress Code: Showing Respect Through Attire

  • Traditional: Conservative, modest clothing is always appropriate. Darker colors like black, navy, or gray are common, but muted tones are also acceptable.
  • Avoid: Flashy colors, overly casual wear (shorts, t-shirts, athletic wear), revealing attire, or anything that draws undue attention to yourself.
  • Comfort: While respectful, ensure your clothing is comfortable enough for sitting or standing for extended periods.

Punctuality: Arriving with Consideration

  • Visitation/Viewing: Arrive within the designated hours. There's no need to stay for the entire duration; 15-30 minutes is often sufficient, especially if many people are waiting to pay respects.
  • Funeral Service: Aim to arrive 10-15 minutes before the scheduled start time. This allows you to sign the guest book, find a seat, and compose yourself without disrupting the service. If you are unavoidably late, enter quietly and take a seat at the back.

Expressing Condolences: What to Say (and Not to Say)

  • Keep it Simple: A sincere "I'm so sorry for your loss," "My thoughts are with you," or "They will be deeply missed" is always appropriate.
  • Personal Connection: If you knew the deceased well, share a brief, positive memory. "I'll always remember [Deceased's Name] for their kindness" can be comforting.
  • Avoid Clichés: Phrases like "They're in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason" can sometimes feel dismissive to those in pain.
  • Be Brief: The family will likely be speaking to many people. Keep your interactions concise.

Register Books: Leaving Your Mark

Most funeral homes provide a register book for guests to sign. This offers the family a record of who attended and a keepsake. Be sure to sign your name clearly and, if your connection isn't obvious, briefly state your relationship to the deceased or family (e.g., "John Smith, coworker of Sarah Jones").

Children at Funerals: A Thoughtful Decision

The decision to bring children is personal. Consider the child's age, maturity, and their relationship with the deceased. If you do bring them, prepare them for what they might see and hear, and be ready to leave if they become restless or disruptive.

Mobile Devices: Silence is Golden

Before entering the funeral home or service location, silence or turn off your mobile phone and other electronic devices. Avoid checking messages, making calls, or using social media during the event. Your full attention and presence are paramount.

Food and Gifts: Offering Support

  • Flowers: Sending flowers to the funeral home or family's home is a traditional gesture.
  • Donations In Lieu of Flowers: If the obituary requests donations to a specific charity "in lieu of flowers," honor this request.
  • Food: Bringing food to the family's home is often greatly appreciated, especially in the days surrounding the funeral when cooking may be difficult. Consider non-perishable items or meals that can be easily reheated.
  • Cards: A sympathy card is always appropriate and can be given at the service or sent to the family's home.

Navigating the Viewing and Visitation

These specific events have their own nuances to consider when paying your respects.

Approaching the Casket: To View or Not to View?

During a viewing, it is customary to approach the open casket to pay your respects. You may pause briefly, offer a silent prayer or thought, or simply acknowledge the deceased. However, viewing the body is never mandatory. If you feel uncomfortable, you can approach the casket, nod respectfully, and then proceed to offer condolences to the family without looking directly into the casket.

Interacting with the Grieving Family

Often, the family will be in a receiving line. Move through the line steadily, offering your brief condolences as outlined above. Avoid lengthy conversations, as many others may be waiting to speak with the family.

How Long Should You Stay?

For a visitation, staying for 15-30 minutes is generally sufficient, especially if there's a crowd. Your presence itself is the most important gesture. For a funeral service, plan to stay for the entire duration unless an emergency arises.

Post-Funeral Etiquette: Ongoing Support

Your support doesn't end when the service does. The days and weeks following a funeral can be particularly difficult for grieving families.

Follow-Up Condolences

A phone call, email, or handwritten note a few days or weeks after the service can mean a great deal. It lets the family know you are still thinking of them and their loved one.

Offering Practical Help

Instead of saying "Let me know if you need anything," offer specific assistance: "Can I bring you a meal next Tuesday?" or "I'd be happy to run errands for you." Practical help can be invaluable during this time.

Respecting the Grieving Process

Grief is a unique and often lengthy journey. Continue to check in with the family periodically, especially around holidays, anniversaries, or other significant dates. Be patient, listen more than you speak, and allow them to grieve in their own way.

Final Thoughts on Funeral Etiquette

Ultimately, funeral etiquette is rooted in showing respect, empathy, and compassion. Your presence and genuine desire to support the bereaved family are the most important contributions you can make. By understanding these guidelines, you can navigate these sensitive occasions with grace and provide true comfort when it's needed most.

If you have further questions about funeral arrangements, viewings, visitations, or any aspect of our services, please do not hesitate to contact our compassionate team. We are here to support you during this difficult time.

Click on the questions below to reveal each respective answer.

Why have a Funeral?

Funerals fill an important role for those mourning the loss of a loved one. By providing surviving family and friends with an atmosphere of care and support in which to share thoughts and feelings about death, funerals are the first step in the healing process. It is the traditional way to recognize the finality of death. Funerals are recognized rituals for the living to show their respect for the dead and to help survivors begin the grieving process.

You can have a full funeral service even for those choosing cremation. Planning a personalized ceremony or service will help begin the healing process. Overcoming the pain is never easy, but a meaningful funeral or tribute will help.

  • Pick up the deceased and transport the body to the funeral home (anytime day or night)
  • Notify proper authorities, family and/or relatives
  • Arrange and prepare death certificates
  • Provide certified copies of death certificates for insurance and benefit processing
  • Work with the insurance agent, Social Security or Veterans Administration to ensure that necessary paperwork is filed for receipt of benefits
  • Prepare and submit obituary to the newspapers of your choice
  • Bathe and embalm the deceased body, if necessary
  • Prepare the body for viewing including dressing and cosmetizing
  • Assist the family with funeral arrangements and purchase of casket, urn, burial vault and cemetery plot
  • Schedule the opening and closing of the grave with cemetery personnel, if a burial is to be performed
  • Coordinate with clergy if a funeral or memorial service is to be held
  • Arrange a police escort and transportation to the funeral and/or cemetery for the family
  • Order funeral sprays and other flower arrangements as the family wishes
  • Provide Aftercare, or grief assistance, to the bereaved

The funeral home will help coordinate arrangements with the cemetery.

  • Bring the following information to complete the State vital statistic requirements:
    • Birth Date
    • Birthplace
    • Father's Name
    • Mother's Name
    • Social Security Number
    • Veteran's Discharge or Claim Number
    • Education
    • Marital Status
  • Contact your clergy. Decide on time and place of funeral or memorial service. This can be done at the funeral home.
  • The funeral home will assist you in determining the number of copies of the death certificates you will be needing and can order them for you.
  • Make a list of immediate family, close friends and employer or business colleagues. Notify each by phone.
  • Decide on appropriate memorial to which gifts may be made (church, hospice, library, charity or school).
  • Gather obituary information you want to include such as age, place of birth, cause of death, occupation, college degrees, memberships held, military service , outstanding work, list of survivors in immediate family. Include time and place of services. The funeral home will normally write article and submit to newspapers (newspaper will accept picture and they will be returned intact).
  • Arrange for members of family or close friends to take turns answering door or phone, keeping careful record of calls. If Social Security checks are automatic deposit, notify the bank of the death.

If you request immediate assistance, yes. If the family wishes to spend a short time with the deceased to say good-bye, that’s perfectly acceptable. Your funeral director will come when your time is right.

Burial in a casket is the most common method of disposing of remains in the United States, although entombment also occurs. Cremation is increasingly selected because it can be less expensive and allows for the memorial service to be held at a more convenient time in the future when relatives and friends can come together.

A funeral service followed by cremation need not be any different from a funeral service followed by a burial. Usually, cremated remains are placed in urn before being committed to a final resting place. The urn may be buried, placed in an indoor or outdoor mausoleum or columbarium, or interred in a special urn garden that many cemeteries provide for cremated remains. The remains may also be scattered, according to state law.

Viewing is a part of many cultural and ethnic traditions. Many grief specialists believe that viewing aids the grief process by helping the bereaved recognize the reality of death. Viewing is encouraged for children, as long as the process is explained and the activity is voluntary.

Embalming sanitizes and preserves the body. Embalming makes it possible to lengthen the time between death and the final disposition, allowing family members time to arrange and participate in the type of service most comforting to them.

The Federal Trade Commission says, "Except in certain special cases, embalming is not required by law. Embalming may be necessary, however, if you select certain funeral arrangements, such as a funeral with viewing. If you do not want embalming, you usually have the right to choose an arrangement that does not require you to pay for it, such as direct cremation or immediate burial."

When compared to other major life events like births and weddings, funerals are not expensive. A wedding costs at least three times as much; but because it is a happy event, wedding costs are rarely criticized. A funeral home is a 24-hour, labor-intensive business, with extensive facilities (viewing rooms, chapels, limousines, hearses, etc.), these expenses must be factored into the cost of a funeral.

Additionally, the cost of a funeral includes not only merchandise, like caskets, but the services of a funeral director in making arrangements; filing appropriate forms; dealing with doctors, ministers, florists, newspapers and others; and seeing to all the necessary details. Funeral directors look upon their profession as a service, but it is also a business. Like any business, funeral homes must make a profit to exist.

It really depends entirely on how you wish to commemorate a life. One of the advantages of cremation is that it provides you with increased flexibility when you make your funeral and cemetery arrangements. You might, for example, choose to have a funeral service before the cremation; a memorial service at the time of cremation or after the cremation with the urn present; or a committal service at the final disposition of cremated remains. Funeral or memorial services can be held in a place of worship, a funeral home or in a crematory chapel.

With cremation, your options are numerous. The cremains can be interred in a cemetery plot, i.e., earth burial, retained by a family member, usually in an urn, scattered on private property, or at a place that was significant to the deceased. (It would always be advisable to check for local regulations regarding scattering in a public place-your funeral director can help you with this.)

Today, there are many different types of memorial options from which to choose. Memorialization is a time-honored tradition that has been practiced for centuries. A memorial serves as a tribute to a life lived and provides a focal point for remembrance, as well as a record for future generations. The type of memorial you choose is a personal decision.

You might choose ground burial of the urn. If so, you may usually choose either a bronze memorial or monument. Cremation niches in columbariums are also available at many cemeteries. They offer the beauty of a mausoleum setting with the benefits of above ground placement of remains. Many cemeteries also offer scattering gardens. This area of a cemetery offers the peacefulness of a serene garden where family and friends can come and reflect.

If you wish to have your ashes scattered somewhere, it is important to discuss your wishes to be scattered ahead of time with the person or persons who will actually have to do the cremation ashes scattering ceremony, as they might want to let your funeral professional assist in the scattering ceremony. Funeral directors can also be very helpful in creating a meaningful and personal ash scattering ceremony that they will customize to fit your families specific desires. The services can be as formal or informal as you like. Scattering services can also be public or private. Again, it is advisable to check for local regulations regarding scattering in a public place-your funeral director can help you with this.

Yes — Depending upon the cemetery's policy, you may be able to save a grave space by having the cremains buried on top of the casketed remains of your spouse, or utilize the space provided next to him/her. Many cemeteries allow for multiple cremated remains to be interred in a single grave space.

Uncertainty about income tax issues can add to the stress experienced from the death of a spouse. You should meet with your family attorney and/or tax advisor as soon as possible to review your particular tax and estate circumstances. Bring a detailed list of your questions to the meeting. If you do not have an attorney or tax advisor, call the IRS toll-free at 800-829-1040 for answers to specific tax questions.

There are a number of options available, including:

  • Determine if the deceased person qualifies for any entitlements. Check with the Social Security Administration, the Department of Veterans Affairs, and with your State Fund. Many people are entitled to get financial assistance with their funeral costs from these agencies if they qualify.
  • Review all insurance policies the deceased person has, including life insurance. Some life insurance policies have coverage clauses for funeral related costs.
  • Find local charities providing financial help for funeral expenses. Search for non profit organizations and for churches in your area.
  • Talk to your funeral director about cremation options - these can be much less expensive depending on your choices.

In this section

Frequent Questions

Grief Support

Social Security Benefits

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